Tigger

His eyes were a diluted mixture of blue and green.......like a light aqua hue or the tint of a cartoon butterfly. He says that they change color.......maybe I will get to see that for myself later.....but for now I will have to make do with my imagination........and the memory of a stolen afternoon with a new friend.

Hey Mr DJ...........

We all have moments when we just plain lose our minds. We are cruising along on the great highway of life when **>>BAM<<** along comes a pot hole. Next thing you know you're talking about selling your car and relying on public transportation.......but face it my pretties the Metro driver ain't gonna hold your hair when you got your head in the toilet, he ain't gonna make your @ss a bologna sammich just because you don't feel like getting up off the couch, and he sure the phukk won't hold you when you start crying for no reason what so ever and you don't think you'll ever be able to stop.

Enough of my preaching..............now as your DJ for this reading I am going to play a special song by Celine Dion for Carrie and John. Kiddies, I want you to grab your baby, look him in the heart and ask "Have You Ever Been in Love?"

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever walked on air, ever
Felt like you were dreamin'
When you never thought it could
But it really feels that good
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don't let go
I know...

Have you ever said a prayer
And found that it was answered
All my hope has been restored
I ain't looking anymore
Have you ever been...

Some place that you ain't leavin'
Somewhere you gonna stay
When you finally found the meanin'
Have you ever felt this way?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don't let go
I know...

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
You can even reach the stars
Doesn't matter near or far
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love?
So in love



I hope my lovers in Strongsville are still in the car......because ODOT says that they have made some street repairs and that a smooth ride is just up around the bend. Love to all and happy cruisin...........and don't make me have to play Celine again!!!!!!!!!!!

Ring, ring...........

You know how it is when you get one of those calls. You answer the phone with "hello" and the response you get from the other end is "B!tch I need you now!!" Five minutes later you're in the car and on your way. Your girl's man just done her wrong. It doesn't matter what the fight was. It doesn't matter what happend. You job is simply to jump on your turbo broom, get your @ss there quickly and start talking sh!t about that no good mu-fukka!!!!!!!

You start off with "I ain't nevva liked his @ss anyway." Followed by some insults about his physical appearance like "no good crossed eyed, hunch backed eight finger havin' can't accessorize punk @ss hoe!!!" Then you go into how you're gonna get your crew together and shove his car into Lake Erie with him in the trunk!!!! Of course you can't forget to sprinkle in plenty of lies about him.............like "Gurrrllll, I seen him at Buehler's wearing your good dress (you know the one with the big shoulder pads and the taffetta trim) and he stopped down the condiment aisle for a free sample of a new gin flavored mustard......then whoopsie-daisie next thing I saw was he dribbled mustard all down the front.......and rather than dab it with some club soda he smeared it in with a paper towel!!!!!" Gurrllll, I'da given him a beat down right then and there, but you seem so in love that I figured I'd just keep this one little secret.

By this time an hour and a half has passed, you have completely run his name into the ground, and called out curses on him like IRS audits and a case or two of crabs.......now you can sit and listen because your girl has finally stopped crying and is able to talk about what happened. You let her tell you the story, tell her it's not all that bad, and that she just needs to sit down with her man and have a good old fashioned heart to heart.

Later on that night when you haven't heard from her, you know that it's a good sign. It means that they realized how much they need each other, that they worked out some of the problems, and have gone off to bed feeling relieved and very much in love. Your job done, you say a prayer for them, and head off to bed knowing that you will hear the good news in the morning.

I'm not a hoe!!!!

It's official. I got a call this evening from Carrie Bradshaw and she said that I was not a hoe just because I had a trick. She explained that it was just a way of mourning my recent job loss. Rather than dwell on being unemployed and possibly getting depressed over it.......my subconscious caused me to have a little dalliance to get my mind off of the bigger problem. So instead of being a tramp I am mentally healthy!!!!!

I can now return to being holier than thou!!!!!!!!!!!!

When did it happen?

When did I become a hoe like everyone else? I don't pick up tricks......I am sooooooo much better than everyone else.......I'm the only one who doesn't have casual sex. Me, who is so holier than thou........acting like those common folk!!! Isn't it ironic? Don't-cha think?

Well............anyway...........It was a nice time. Nice boy, nice body, nice skills..........nice fun time......I did Kermit and the Dutchess proud.

What was I thinking?!?!?!?!??!

So I was sitting at home working on a post that I have been working on for the past 3 days.............when from out of the blue I get a call from Ruby. Here that drunken hoe got pissed off at her hubby and was headed to the bar to drown her sorrows and probably get her nether region licked out.

I decided to go to the bar and keep her on the straight and narrow path. I tell you the sacrifices that I make for that garden tool (hoe). Any ole way..........there we are having some drinks and talking to everyone at the Adam's Street saloon...........well, along comes an Edward Norton look-a-like (circa Primal Fear) who has conversation with us. This fella is quite cute.......actually makes Lil' Honey Ha Jr. stand up for some attention......anyway, it seemed that Ruby and this Pennsylvania hick town boy were gonna hook on up so I headed on out. I called paige to have some breakfast with me but she turned me down....you know, some B/S about working on a project for work......yada, yada, yada............so I hung up on her..........Next thing I know Edward Norton calls me and is talking about hooking up..........being shy and reserved (as you know Honey to be) I bowed out.............but I did try to arrange a nice meeting some time before he headed back to Penni.................He is supposed to take his aunt to Amish country tomorrow, but he talked about cancelling due to the expected rain.........he said he would give me a wake up call...........now, Honey hasn't entertained since the devil last stayed over back in January, so the bedroom isn't quite as clean as I would like it to be.........but breakfast at the Sheraton sounds kinda nice........we'll see if he calls.............

The Final Swing

Well, today was the day. Legend officially gave me the axe. I came in today to do payroll (had to make sure that I got my last paycheck), and that was officially that. As I sit here drinking my 40.....I wonder what the near future holds for me? Will a well hung, intelligent, sexually adventurous (without being too much of a freak), tattooed, harley ridin, non-cheatin, and genuinely good millionaire come swoop me up and demand that I be his forever..............or will I have to break down and get a job? Care to guess which one I am hoping for? Whatever the case I will manage.

My Plaigorized Sevens

7 things I plan to do before I die

1) Travel to Mexico, Greece, Hungary, and New York.
2) Father and raise the perfect little girl and we will wear matching pink construction boots, or get a Golden Retriever.
3) Own a beautiful mansion with a wrought iron fence and electric gate.
4) Start a driving school, because none of the b!tches out there know how to drive at all.
5) Sleep with a well hung body builder…we are talking completely muscle bound and obscenely hung.
6) Stop working.
7) Stop worrying.

7 things I can do:

1) Speak mediocre Spanish with a surprisingly good accent.
2) Completely tear somewhat apart with my words. Not that it’s a good thing……but I can do it.
3) Accommodate several cocks in my anus at the same time.
4) Kidding! Oh my God I am totally kidding! I can kid!
5) Hold two contradictory paranoid delusions simultaneously.
6) Tell if someone is Canadian within 30 seconds of hearing them speak. Unless they’re from Minnesota. Then I need two minutes.
7) Watch television in a language I don’t understand without getting bored.

7 things I cannot do:

1) Juggle.
2) See without glasses or contacts.
3) Just wait and see if it goes away on its own. (Or, similarly, just wait and see if it happens again.)
4) Wear wool against my skin.
5) Stand ignorant people telling me I am wrong about something.
6) Stand any one telling me I am wrong about something.
7) Deep throat when it’s too thick.

7 things that attract me to the same sex:

1) Confidence.
2) Sense of humor.
3) Great smile.
4) Nice ass.
5) A limited number of “bad boy” characteristics. Limited.
6) Intelligence.
7) Owning property in a Mediterranean village.

7 things that I say most often:

1) What color are your panties?
2) Hello whore.
3) Sinner!
4) It just goes to show that not all the trash goes to the curb on Thursday night. (This is usually aimed at a person)
5) Wut-the-fukk-evr!!
6) Word.
7) If I couldn’t say a word!

7 Celebrity Crushes

1) Jean Claude VanDamm
2) Stone Cold Steve Austin
3) The Rock
4) Mr Marcus
5) Tommy Lee
6) Bruce Willis
7) Seann William Scott

I’ve been out of circulation for a while, but there are some things that I just need to address.

1st I am still in accounting hell. My day job at the computer company is still on a day to day basis. I am the last hourly employee…..meaning any day I will be getting the axe.

2nd I am still slinging my pies as Papa in the evenings, but I have cut back to 3 days a week again. This is so that I can spend some time rehabbing a house for my friend the Queen Sinner. Actually my brother (Goober) and I are doing it together. This will be great because we can spend some quality time together…….ALONE! He’s always busy with his girlfriend (Gretel), so we rarely have one on one time.

3rd My friend Elmo is perpetrating a fraud about an injury that he recently sustained. It seems that he’s is telling folks that while he was descending a small flight of stairs he missed the last step and came down hard enough on his foot to actually fracture it in two places. I am sure that this sounds as absurd to you as it does to me. In actuality “what had happened was” that he was acting out his favorite scene of his favorite character in the movie Chicago. As Velma he did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. Now while his choreography was impeccable he probably shouldn’t have performed his act at Bounce’s first Foam Party.

4th My friend Cyndi the Goddess of Prince Alberts, Grand Empress of Pool Table Escapades, and most Exalted Queen of Giving Honey her Hand-me-Downs…………has put herself on a time out. Apparently she has trouble keeping a civil tongue in her head when she witnesses people performing atrocities against those she loves. So rather than bow to the tit-for-tat blogging that the others are engaging in, she sits stoically silent like a statue of Aphrodite. What a great day it will be for all when her booming voice is once again heard resounding through the land of Blogg!!!

5th Sunday evening Ruby, Mattina, Paige and I had dinner at my house. It was just sooooo nice sitting, drinking wine and talking. Nice, calm and relaxing. Later, when Ruby had left and Mattina was upstairs in her room, Paige and I were still talking. I was asking her more personal questions and getting to know her a little better. Of course that all stopped when Phil came by and was sniffing up Mattina's skirt. Mattina is a straight up tease and Phill (like all the others) just doesn't see that. Oh well, I'm just mad that Paige and I didn't finish our talk. She's very guarded so I don't know how well I will ever really know her, but from what I've seen so far, she is truly a quality girl.

6th Speaking of quality.........I was recently given what may have been a back handed compliment, but I truly fell in love with it. I was called a Delightful Freak. That's the coolest thing I've been called in a while.......or maybe ever!!!!!!!

7th I am a DELIGHTFUL FREAK!!!!!!!!

8th I am a DELIGHTFUL FREAK!!!!!!!!

9th Thank you Elwood!!!