I am stealing this post, too.

1) My uncle once: wished he was born so that I would have a story to tell.
2) Never in my life: will I dance in front of Mattina again.
3) When I was five: the neighbor girl stuck her hands in my pants and squeezed my butt.
4)High school was: the shittiest time of my life!
5) Fire is: useful for covering up your tracks.
6) I once saw: public sex, actually it was many times, but the bald boy on the sink was the hottest.
7) There’s this woman I know who: can piss me off like only one other person in the world can.
8) Once, at a bar: I left someone else’s penis prints on the glass front of the juke box.
9) By noon I’m usually: hating my job.
10) Last night: I confirmed plans for some future tramping.
11) If I only had: a time machine, a rubber sheet, and a nude body builder.
12) Next time I go to church: I'm gonna fall out and put on a show.
13) The best thing about my last relationship was: I plead the fifth
14) What worries me most: finances.
15) When I turn my head left: my neck cracks.
16) When I turn my head right: it creaks.
17) You know I’m lying when: I say “of course I did that.”
18) What I miss most about the eighties: no responsibilities.
19) If I were a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: dead.
20) By this time next year: I'll be working at another and having sex every day.
21) I have a hard time understanding: idiots.
22) You know I like you if: I lick you.
23) If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: Allah.
24) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Want to be like me.
25) Take my advice, never: tell all the truths.
26) My ideal breakfast is: served by a naked pretty whore.
27) If you visit my hometown, I suggest you go to: the Roseto Club on a Saturday with me.
28) Why doesn’t everyone: realize that I am always right.
29) If you spend the night at my house: you’re gonna put out!!
30) I’d stop my wedding: for a quickie with The Rock.
31) The world could do without: late fees.
32) My favorite blonde is: really a brunette.
33) If I do anything well, it’s: bitch and complain and whine and worry.
34) And by the way: can’t we all just get along.
35) The last time I was drunk, I: touched a man on his naughty bits while his boyfriend was trying to pick someone else up.